So there I was in the Dairy Queen drive thru...crying
Posted: Thursday, July 07, 2011
by Taylor Barcus
"For suffering and enduring there is no remedy, but striving and doing."
Thomas Carlyle
I have told many lies in my past. Why does anyone lie? They are scared, hurt or confused. Lying never helps the situation and I had to learn, and am still learning, the hard way. Yes, I am a convicted felon on probation for embezzlement. When the judge asked me why I did it, all I could say was that I was in over my head with debt (student loans, rent, utilities, insurance, hospital bills). I never used any of the money for gambling, drinking, drugs or materialistic items. I made a HUGE mistake and I live with that mistake everyday of my life.
While I sat at the Yellowstone County Detention Facility, I wrote to my family, begging for forgiveness, praying that my family wouldn't completely disown me. Everyone knew the truth and gave me another chance, except my brother.
My brother and I used to be so close, we talked everyday and loved each other. I never thought that love from your brother has conditions. After my incident, my brother stopped talking to me and eventually moved to Utah for work. Well, this week he has been back in town, staying in the same home as I. Even though he has called me names, disowned me, spoke badly about me to my friends and family, I still hoped that he still loved me and could see that I am trying my best to get my life back together. He wrote me an email, quite harshly, that stated that I was not his sister and how he hated me and didn't care if I killed myself.
Enter Perkins. Eating with my mom and Grandma, being told how wonderful my brother is. I started bawling as I knew that they don't speak about me like that. I have tried to apologize and make amends with him, yet he glares at me and refuses any communication. So I came home still crying, because even though I try hard, it's never good enough. My parents consider this son to be prodigal, and I am that criminal daughter. I felt the depression flood me over and crying continued. I miss the brother that loved me, I miss my brother.
And yet the question remains: what should I do to overcome this part of the suffering. Always looking for advice.
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Oh...dear sister! My heart cries with you. I can understand the pain that you are going through right now. But I still believe in you and in Him, the Creator God, who created you and me. I remember your last article, where you spoke about 'the hope' that you have. That's why I have the hope in you that you will come out one day. You just need to wait for that day patiently.
You don't have to do anything at this point of your suffering, but simply pray for your brother and keep expressing yourself and interacting with your parents.
Do not concentrate on the suffering though its difficult to avoid it. Try to be busy with writing, serving your parents or any old persons near your house. That's the best remedy for now, 'AVOIDANCE.' Don't communicate with your brother if he doesn't want, that may irritate him further. Just give him some time.
I am your brother for now, I am ready to listen to all your problems, guide you through emails and pray for you. God bless you...
Regards, Chiradeep.
(Remember: 3 Keys for you now, 'BUSY', 'AVOIDANCE' & 'WAIT')Chiradeep,
Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. Unofortunately, I do believe that my brother and our relationship will forever be broken. This hurts me in every possible manner. Yet- what can I do? I wait patiently, talk with friends and try to be strong.I do understand you very well what you're trying to say...
So the best thing for now is, just gather them who are with you and don't think about what is or who are not with you. Take care sis...
Hi Taylor you must continue to keep doing what you are doing and move on from this. I am afraid if your brother doesn't feel the same way then it is he with the problem. C'mon we all make mistakes, and some that in include the courts, so you're not on your own. Forgive me for saying but is your brother really whiter than white? He who without sin cast the first stone I say. Taylor you have the support from the most important people in you're life (mom and dad) so you will get through this.
Keep well
KacyHi Kacy,
Thank you for the support, it does mean so much to me. I know that my brother makes mistakes, we all make mistakes and it hurts that he judges me so harshly.
It's usually extremely difficult for anyone to get beyond the disapproval of their family members, especially their parents. I suspect this is the root cause of depression in a lot of adults.
Your family will probably, eventually, get over their hard feelings. Regardless of if they do or don't, you need to be your own person and you can't let your self-esteem be dictated by them.
I read a while back that the greatest thing a person can do to honor their parents is to become a successful, independent adult. You seem to be pretty smart. You'll be able to get back on your feet again quickly. Do you have a vision for the type of successful, independent adult you want to be? Do you have a plan for how to become that person?Hi Bruce,
I do have a vision of becoming a successful, independent person. I know that we all have highs and lows in our life and I am trying to get out of this low, although I think it will take a lot of hard work which I am willing to do. Thanks for the comment.
Everything changes, circumstances and people. Everyone makes mistakes. Learn from them and continue to set goals (as you mentioned) and take it one day at a time. Don't push a relationship with your brother it will happen in time when he sees that you mean what you say. People were hurt by your actions and they are entitled to feel as they do. I noticed in your bio you said you hope to find the love of your life and start a family. I hope so too. But don't rely on anyone else for your happiness. Try to achieve that on your own first. Like Fran said, forgive yourself first and move on, then others will eventually too. (So easy to give advice isn't it). I wish you all the best.Thank you for your kind words, Brianna.
Yes. Montana is the "last best place", and you are sitting in the basement of your own confinement. In a sense, you are in the "first best place". Your utter hurt combined with some forgiveness makes your brothers feelings hurt you all the more. But, it's not killing, it's only agony and grief and pain that you will never forget. Years from now, you will still remember this time. But years from now, you will be looking down the hill at this time. You will be remembering how you got over your grief and learned how to direct yourself in a new way. You will remember how it was your brother's lack of forgiveness that drove you forward to accomplish more, be at peace with yourself, and put little successes together, one after the other, that gave you greater and greater feelings of reinforcement.
"Imagine the Upside" -- Whenever you are in a situation that is bedeviling and punishing, imagine the upside. Figure out what it is about being where you are that gives you a new direction. Figure out where "up" is for you. If it takes "imagining", then imagine. You are a specialized individual creation, providentially designed to achieve unique progress. This is where you start. You are strong and self-aware. You are bright enough to reach out. If you think that you are at the bottom, then start imagining ascending to your next achievement.
Your brother has been given the blessing of his parents calling him the "prodigal", and you get the honor of remaining the criminal. Now you get to read about "grace". Instead of hoping for their forgiveness, try to forgive them for their lack of forgiveness. It may be painful, but it also might bring you some peace. Remember the Prodigal Son parable has to do with the lessons that the other sibling learns. You may not feel as righteous as the good brother, but still, in the end, this parable is for those who feel "unattended". Right now, you feel like you are "unattended". That's only an illusion. The brother felt utterly unappreciated, and yet the point of the story is that he misunderstood. Your parents feel for you still.Christofer,
How wonderful your comment made me feel. Your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Everyday I have to fill myself with the hope that things will get better, that I will overcome this hard time and find myself in a better place. I have to learn (slowly it seems) that my brother is who he is and that he may never change. He may never forgive me for my actions and he may never speak to me again. I have to live with this fact and overcome the hurt that my brother has caused me. Crying until my head pounds can be good at times, perhaps it makes the hurt cease a bit. Regardless, he and his family are only staying until Sunday morning. Then I can go back to my normal routine of healing.
Thanks again for your kind words,
Taylor
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